HOW TO SUDUCE A GINGER JEW JERSEY BOY
by cortez30
Summary: cartman is in love but he doesn't know what to do. This story will have a lot of stick of truth references and some drama humor crab people Mr. Slave and even some resurrected characters
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1 I am a cool fag**

**Rated M for language and sexual terms**

**NO LEMON in this story**

**Summery cartman is in love but he doesn't know what to do. This story will have a lot of stick of truth references and some drama humor crab people Mr. Slave and even some resurrected characters**

**POLLS**

**I will resurrect 2 characters from South Park in this story the first is in this chapter the 2****nd**** is your choice VOTE NOW I will give you a good week to vote and we need voters **

**A/N**

**This is the first cartman story I ever done and it will be hard cause I HATE CARTMAN but whatever I guess he has his moments that make me laugh**

**Chapter 1 I am a cool fag**

**Cartmans P.O.V**

Hi I am Eric cartman and I know what you think aw sweet Eric cartman is talking to me my life is super cewl. Yep I am talking to you and I just discovered at the age of 16 that I am a faggy gay wad and guess what…..I AM STILL COOLER THEN YOU. So yeah being gay is bad enough but it gets worse I love a Jew rat I know evil Jews and I am in love with one hell I once pretended to like him cause I wanted token and Nicholes to get together cause all races belong to each other and no white and black babies better show up in my town. But I guess I can overlook the Jews for once hell I even rebuilt the synagogue for kahl I guess he's being nice to me a bit but I still love fucking with him. So yeah I'm gay for a Jew so I bet you're wondering ha its easy cause Kahl is a fag and he's despite to get his ass pounded. Well no he likes Bebe and I know she doesn't like him but I need that to stay the same so…I MUST ACTIVATE MY 15 STEP PLAN called

HOW TO SUDUCE A GINGER JEW JERSEY BOY

Well ok so I was sitting in my chair when all of the sudden Jesus came over I said

No he did not said Kyle

JUST CAUSE YOU JEWS HATE JESUS DOESN'T MEAN HE HATE ME I yelled

Dude calm the fuck down said Stan

"I both dislike and like Stan he's a fucking hippie but he used to date Wendy which is going to be important that they get back together soon because he is part of my plan"

Whatever I said

So what happened next said Kenny

Oh uh nothing I said

Ha what's wrong fatass said Kyle

I'm no fat I am big bones I said

Actually Kyle he's not that fat anymore he actually works out said Stan

Yeah I know but I feel like there's nothing we can make fun of him for said Kyle

"All of the sudden a vortex opened up"

Dude what is that said Stan

Maybe its Kahl's mom again I said

SHUT UP CARTMAN yelled Kyle

No it's…a gate way to hell said Kenny

"Oh great now my plan might die before it starts"

…..HELLO THERE CHILDREN

CHIEF we all yelled

That's right where's my body said ghost chief is

Uh douchebag burned it to a crisp in the Great War I said

Dude he's name is dag ok said Kyle

"He's so cute when he corrects me"

Yeah well he will always be douchebag to me I said

Well where are the ashes asked ghost chief

Oh there probably in the urn at the school said Stan

"Yeah after the government left the town the residents of South Park cleaned up the town and we all took chiefs body and cremated it"

So chief how are you back asked Kenny

Well I should thank you for that you haven't died in 2 years and I guess Satan has a rule for every 2 years you stay alive you can bring 1 soul back and you were thinking of me weren't you asked ghost chief

"We all looked at kenny"

Ha I bet you Miss Chief big black body I said

No just he chocolate salty balls said Kenny

"Kenny has such a dirty mind for a straight guy"

Yeah they were good said Kyle

Well if you help me out I can cook as much balls as you want said ghost chief

Sweet I said

Wait what if Kenny dies on the was asked Stan

I still can be resurrected sense the vortex closed said ghost chief

"Then the bus came…and ran over Kenny"

OH MY GOD THEY KILLED KENNY said Stan

YOU BASTARD yelled Kyle

"We got on the bus and everyone stared at the ghostly body that was chief and we explained the situation to everyone"

So chief is back said Craig

Yep said Kyle

That makes no sense said red

Shut up dyke I said

"Red gave me a dirty look but her friend tiffany kissed her on the cheek"

Don't listen to him he's just jealous cause I never would date him said tiffany

"I hated that she rejected me all those times…but I still watch them make out sometimes it was hot I guess I am what they call BI sexual"

Whatever I said

Well the chances of a supernatural being coming on too earth is 10000 to 1 said Wendy

Actually is 50000 to 1 said Kyle

"those 2 have been rivals sense middle school….but they are to close for comfort I think if kahl doesn't get Bebe he will go after Wendy I have to make sure they don't end up together"

We arrived at school which means my plan…BEGINS

End of chapter

End summery

What is cartmans 15 step plan and why is chief back tone in soon to find out

A/N

This is going to be…..A LONG ONE but each chapter will not be 4000 words long so yeah some might be only 500 but some might be longer oh and the 15 step is not a chapter list who knows how long this story will end up this is going to be my next HUGE HUGE BIG BLACK PORJECT….(yeah I know dick joke sue me actually more girls will probably read this I know 1 who will wink wink) this story will have 0 lemon I have decided to exclude sex scenes…BUT NUDITY WILL HAPPEN so yeah for the 3 guys that probably go to this site that's for you I hope you enjoy this and review as you please I might write back….MIGHT

Oh and I don't own south park I do however own a star named parkious southus…..


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 she is so beautiful

Rated M for sexual references and language

Disclaimer I don't own South Park…that must change

Chapter 2 she is so beautiful

Kyles P.O.V

There's the girl that I love she is beautiful oh Bebe why do you haunt me you stole my virginity but then tell me to fuck off and yet you talk to me every day what is you game I decided to talk to her bff for this answer

Well Kyle I believe she just doesn't like you said Wendy

Damnit I said

Yeah there are other girls out there said Wendy

…..like you I asked

We both know why we wouldn't work out said Wendy

Yeah I know I said

Even thought that kiss was magical I didn't feel it….like I used to feel with Stan said Wendy

"Wendy still was in love with Stan too bad Stan is stubborn as hell but Wendy promised me if I helped her out in foreign languages she would go out with me…I might even score"

Yeah well if he does come around one day then that will be amazing I said

"yeah he can have you after I had 1 night in bed with you…..yeah I bet you think I am an asshole I am not…..WENDY IS AMAZING IN BED…at least that's what token said when they had a one night stand that pissed Stan off in 8th grade he yelled at her saying YOUR TO DAMN YOUNG TO BE FUCKING GUYS but she ignored him"

Yeah but I guess that won't happen oh well so uhhhh is there a silent j in this word asked Wendy

Yes I said

Ok good man Hebrew is hard said Wendy

"Man her boobs are nice I can see right down her shirt….oh shit"

Uggh ok Kyle my eyes are here I noticed that you see my purple bra and if you're not going to take this study session serious I will see you tomorrow at school said Wendy

WAIT I'm sorry stupid male hormones I said

Fine just try and not start at my boobs said Wendy

Ok I said

"The study session was fairly short and then I got a call from Stan"

So tomorrow is Monday sucks huh said Stan

Yeah well you are going to do fine on the test I said

Are you sure cause if I fail English then I won't go to the game next week and then my weekend is ruined AHHH yelled Stan

Its fine we have been studying all month long I said

I NEED MORE STUDING…can you come over my mom's cooking tonight said Stan

Sure I can make it Wendy just left I said

Oh well uhhhh did you 2 uh Stan shuddered to finish the words but I knew what he asked

No we didn't ok I said

Ok good said Stan

"yeah Wendy doesn't know that Stan still loves her too I need to try and hold it off for as long as possible just until after next week during midterms then Wendy will get an A she will reward me with sex then afterwards I can spread a rumor saying that Stan still likes Wendy trust me just cause Wendy and I sleep in bed don't mean Stan will be weirded out I told Stan I wanted Wendy for 1 night the only thing that will stop that is bebes love for me…..or cartman being a loving guy who feeds the poor and homeless"

Later

So I hope this night works out in the end said Stan

Yeah well I am sure you will pass English I mean you know both books like the back of your hand I said

AHHH yelled Stan

What I said

My hand there is a new freckle that I have never seen before said Stan

"We both laughed"

You're a smart ass I said

Ok question if you were gay who would you go for and who you would avoid asked Stan

Damn uhhhh I guess I would tap token and avoid Kenny I said

Token why him asked Stan

Once you go black you never go back I said

Ha but unless you accidently impregnate your GF then sorry your taken said Stan

NICHOLES PREGNANT I yelled

Yep she just found out token doesn't know yet said Stan

Shit and it's definitely his cause he brags every time he gets laid I said

…..why avoid Kenny asked Stan

Ha you don't know where that dicks been I said

Well I guess but….why not avoid cartman you sound like you say that you would prefer cartman over Kenny said Stan

You know cartman has changed….ALOT he even rebuilt the synagogue I said

Yeah and he burned down the skinheads base said Stan

And he even burned his Hitler outfit I said

He even sent you flowers said Stan

"We both thought for a second"

You don't think I said

Maybe said Stan

…NAH we both yelled

He's up to something said Stan

Yeah I said

So said Stan

What I asked

…is it true asked Stan?

Uggh look I told you before I am a little BI curious ok I said

I know it's just weird said Stan

Yeah well that's just me I prefer girls…..HELL I might want girls more sense I sense the evil gay presents in me I said

LET IT GROW IN YOU CONSUME YOU NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE GAY SIDE said Stan quoting star wars

Ben told me about you how you raped my father I said

NO KYLE I AM YOUR FATHER…AND BEN RAPED ME said Stan

NOOOOOOOOOOOO…did he use a condom I asked

Yeah of course I have aids said Stan

Oh ok NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I yelled

"We both tackled each other and rough housed a bit till randy came in"

Hey come on guys if your gay that's fine just don't do it while were home said randy

DAD IM NOT GAY yelled Stan

Oh think god….wait what about Kyle

I don't know I said

Well you're either gay or straight said randy

Well you can be both I said

Yeah but then in the end you must make a choice said randy

Yeah well I plan on getting laid next week so yeah right now I am straight I said

Yeah man I am still weirded out by that she is my ex-girlfriend said Stan

Well you can stop me if you tell her you love her…..BUT she might not love you back I said

Ok fine go ahead said Stan

Thanks bro I said

"the rest of the night we talked and played video games until randy wanted to join in…..and kicked our asses then we went to bed and prepared for tomorrow"

End of chapter

A/N

This chapter takes place before the events of chapter 1 I wanted to do this cause this is cartmans story I am thinking of doing Kyles P.O.V rarely but I might not even do his anymore it's up to how I feel so yeah I hope you enjoyed this OH and remember these chapters are going to be short so those who were fans of my earlier work might be confused well the reason why they are short is cause I can write more chapters in short time and have a long break in between plus I feel like this is going to be a shit ton of story so yeah breaks are good OH and if I disappear again its cause I am going to have to switch to a new setup cause Microsoft office trial expires soon and I don't have to cash to buy it on my laptop but the desktop has it already so yeah

P.S I might post 1 more chapter tonight hell maybe 2 more I am enjoying this story


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 you can't make toast without butter

Rated M for sexual suggestion and language

Disclaimer I don't own South Park

A/N

Yeah before I continue on I just want to say these chapter names are either going to be dumb puns or just plain stupid titles but whatever it's my story hell if I want flying space sausage and eggs I can make it happen

Chapter 3 you can't make toast without butter

Before I can make my man fall in my arms I need some help from a friend…..unforcinatlly we haven't talked much sense middle school sense he decked Craig in the face and hit the gym now he is the most brutal kid in the school

Hey butters how are you doing I said

Uh hey Eric what do you want asked butters

"Butters voice got really deep he went from this scrawny weakling to this muscular beast that would make a brick shit its self"

Nothing I just want to hang out like we used to I said

Last time I checked I used to be your slave said butters

Look I am sorry I have been doing some soul searching and well I discovered something that is kind of shocking I said

Ok what is it if you can trust me with this secret I will consider hanging out said butters

Ok fine…..i am gay I said

Oh wow I never would have guessed said butters

Yeah I know someone super cool like me being a fag never would have seen it a mile away I said

Look first if you say the F word again I will strangle you said butters

"butters parents divorced 5 years ago his mom left and his gay came to agreement with his homosexuality in fact he embraced it to the point where he was more happy then he ever was before he stopped taking his anger and sadness on butters and actually treats him very well hell he broke down in tears begging for butters forgiveness on day when he came home drunk saying he was an awful father so yeah"

And 2 you're not cool bro I am not cool so don't try to be cool it's not worth it being cool makes up end up like a snobby bitch who thinks the world revolves around you said butters

Ok fine anything else you want to add I asked

Yeah who do you like asked butters?

No way dude I ain't telling you I said

I know you Eric you only want to hang to get something from someone and you must really care about him if you're dragging me along…how many steps is this plan asked butters

Ok its kahl and it's a 15 step plan I said

Wait….Kyle…..really? Asked butters

Yeah I said

Ok 15 steps is unorthidocs said butters

Hey I'm on step 6 recruit butters and 1 other to assist me I said

Well I will help only because I never turn my back on anyone said butters

"I hugged butters and cried tears of joy I never would have guessed that I would be this happy knowing that I could get kahl in my arms and to hold his Jewish body"

Its ok Eric said butters

Thanks I said

Ok so what's the plan asked butters

Ok well if you're afraid of blackmailing then we need to end this right here I said

No I know you Eric I am not really scared plus I can kick your ass if you do anything PURE EVIL said butter

Ha what happened to professor chaos I asked?

The same thing that happened to the coon said butters

To shay butters well played I said

So what now asked butters?

Ok we need to get Wendy and Stan together but we need Kenny because he is the biggest gossip in school right now I said

Ok why do we need a rumor asked butters?

We need them to think that the other is still in love with them I said

Well why asked butters

BECAUSE kahl is going to get laid next Friday unless Wendy is with Stan I said

Oh I see well why we can't just spread it asked butters

Because I lie and no one takes you seriously enough but Kenny is the one guy that everyone trusts he could tell everyone that chief is alive and people would believe him I said

Hello their children Said chief

HOLY SHIT yelled butters

Dude he is alive I said

"Butters and I hugged chief he was our closest friend growing up he helped us solve all our problems in the past"

How is this possible asked butters?

I don't know but I have to go it's a special day and I am cooking a lunch that no one will forget said chief

Uh chief it's a half week no lunch this week I said

Oh well then I shall go home and make sweet sweet love said chief

"Well 1 part of my plan was starting to work I shall go to another part…..giving token the news about Nicole"

Hey token I said

What the fuck do you want raciest said token

I just want to talk ok I said

You have 5 minutes make it fast said token

Ok Nicole is pregnant I said

WHAT SAYS WHO said token

I heard it from Kenny I said

"token is gullible but I can't tell the girls about Stan and Wendy cause news wouldn't spread fast enough and if I tell Stan Kyle will find out if I tell Wendy she will ask Kyle and then Kyle will ask me questions "

Oh god oh no I have to find her now this is a lie it's a trick said token

Sorry dude it's not she is Prego and nothing can change that I said

"Token ran off to confront Nicole. And I bet you are wondering how will this help me well drama with one girl causes others to talk then they look in the mirror and ask themselves how will this affect them and Wendy might ask what should I do maybe I need to focus on Nicole and not Kyle so yeah this step is more of a backup plan not a sure fire way to get Wendy and Kyle to not screw each other"

So that's 1 step done….. MILLION TO GO

End of chapter

End summery

Oh snap step 6 of 100000000 man I wonder if I am part of his plan hmmm oh well will cartman get Kyle will Kyle get some god damn pu tang hell who will get some…..i hope it's me anyway another chapter shortly

A/N

So yeah I decided in 1 hour ago to make it a cartman only P.O.V but have a sprinkle of Kyle in it for effect


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 a small road bump

Rated M for sexual situations and language

Disclaimer I don't own South Park

Chapter 4 A small road bump

Man I can't believe what happened said Wendy

Yeah I know I said

What the hell do you want cartman said Wendy?

Just to say hi damn hoe I said

Ok fatass what's your game said Wendy

No game I just wanted to know if you heard about Nicole I said

Yes she is pregnant I knew that for a week how did you find out said Wendy

Ehh kahl said it once I said

Well then maybe you shouldn't listen in on Kyle conversations asshole said Wendy

Ha your pissed at kahl huh I said

NO IM PISSED AT YOU I CARE FOR KYLE yelled Wendy

….what I said

Yeah he helped me out when no one else did he helped me study…ME his biggest competition in school so guess what he's getting a reward hell he might even get my promotion to fuck me yeah go tell that to kenny huh said Wendy

You really are a whore I said

No I am not I already talked about it to my friends and they think its sweet for me to sleep with Kyle HELL they think I should date him said Wendy

"I walked away in shame and in tears but I couldn't let her see me this way"

SCREW YOU WENDY IMMA GOING HOME I yelled

Hey can I come over said Kenny

Uhhhh sure I said

"Wow this was going to be easier then I thought"

Hey Kenny I said

Yeah cartman said Kenny

So I want to ask you something I said

Yeah said Kenny

Can you spread a rumor saying Stan like Wendy I Asked?

Why the fuck would I do that asked Kenny

Because Wendy is going to screw kahl I said

Dude that's awesome said Kenny

But what of Stan what if he dies inside I asked

I think Stan is cool with it said Kenny

BUT I AM NOT COOL WITH IT I blurted out

"Oh shit"

Why you do like Wendy asked Kenny

If I liked Wendy why would I be setting her and Stan up I asked

YOU LIKE KYLE said Kenny

Dude uh no I said

Yes you do said Kenny

No I don't I want to screw kahl over that's why I said

Yeah I bet said Kenny

"I hit kenny over the head with a bottle he collapsed"

Well plan B then I said

5 hours later

Uggh said Kenny

Moring sexy I said

Oh shit we didn't said Kenny

We sure did man you loved every second of it to I said

"kenny woke up to me and him naked in the bed I kind of liked it but unforcinatly I thought of Kyle the entire….FAKE time HA JUST WATCH"

Ok so we screwed said Kenny

Yep and now I have dirt on you I said

Ha well no one will believe you said Kenny

I taped the whole thing I said

….ok so what you will be exposed as being gay said Kenny

Nope…I TOOK IT I said

WHAT said Kenny?

"His face went pale he was so scared I showed him the tape and I have to say i am good with string and ventriloquism"

So I wanted this said Kenny

Yes you practically attacked me…

"Kenny then kissed me AH SHIT HE IS GAY"

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME yelled Kenny?

Dude you're not gay I said

Wait what said Kenny

I faked the whole thing you are being manipulated…BUT you can't prove it so now you are my bitch I said

Ah fuck you cartman said Kenny

"I thought he was going to kick my ass for the tape…..but no he laughed"

Ok man you must really care about Kyle to go through all this just to get me to spread a rumor said Kenny

Uggh you think I am pathetic I asked

Yes very but I understand ok I will spread the rumor…..AND help you get Kyle BUT you need to give me the tape it's not necessary said Kenny

Ok I said plus I need you for another task you might enjoy this one I said

Ok shoot what it is asked Kenny

Let's just say I prayed that you would help me no matter what because you're going to get laid and also a Girlfriend I said

Shit ok who is the girl asked Kenny

Bebe I said

Oh shit hell yeah she has a fine ass and her boobs make my head spin said Kenny

Yeah the only girl kahl has ever slept with I said

Wait Kyles got action damn why didn't he tell me said Kenny

Because he promised Bebe that he would never tell a soul cause it was a friendship fuck I said

Ha a pack to lose the cherry said Kenny

Yep so here is what's going to happen Stan and Wendy well there going to fuck I said

Wait huh said Kenny

Yes right in the school closet they both can make up midterms so it's cool I said

Ok how do we do it said Kenny

Right then my phone rang…..IT WAS KAHL

What do you want Jew I Asked?

"Don't hate me"

Nothing just I don't know you want to hang later this weekend I heard what you said to Wendy and I feel bad I know you like her said Kyle

"Ok this works out"

Yeah I did at one point I admitted

HA I KNEW IT said Wendy

Leave him alone said Kyle

"All I heard was mumbling and giggling and shit"

Nicholes in tears and token is furious but they decided to talk said Kyle

Well good that was my original plan I said

Yeah said Kyle

Why is Wendy over there I asked

Celebration said Kyle

…what I said

"I heard a giggle in the back ground"

I got laid bro said Kyle

End of chapter

End Summery

DAMN SON Kyle got some of Wendy man he moves fast what will cartman do will he speed up the process or will he give up and find a real man TUNE IN NEXT WEEK ON DRAGON BALL Z…wait I think I did this joke before hmmm

A/N

Ok guys cliffhanger wait for tomorrow to get the next 4 parts I decided to separate into 4 parts per section so yeah 4 different times a day I wanted to rush these 4 for you guys cause I love you ALL OF YOU even the haters cause without you I wouldn't know how to live "sniff"

Oh P.S

Allergies suck ass


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 love stinks

Rated M for sexual situations and Language

Disclaimer I don't own South Park

Chapter 5 love stinks

So yeah I am butt naked with Wendy testaburger or shall I nickname her the best fucker on earth god damn she was good I have only slept with 1 girl and Wendy was twice as good as Bebe…..am I in love nah but I might just ask Wendy out this Friday cause you know it's better to repay a girl for sex by feeding her then just ignoring her ha oh well

The next day

Rumors are spreading shit people probably heard about me and Wendy's night oh well who cares I am here in English class with my best friend…..who just got a note from kenny hmmm I wonder what it says who cares I'm bored I finished my final an hour ago I'm just watching the clock and I am in my own little fantasy world where I have to fight a guy for bebes love but then Wendy shows up and I have to choose….OH and I have superpowers yeah defiantly superpowers like time and space so I can teleport and stop time can you say free food wow I am getting a little over myself HURRY UP CLOCK

Ring

Thank god ok now time for 30 mins of talking to…CARTMAN

Hey kahl I just wanted to talk to you said cartman

What's up I asked?

"He's pissed he's going to kick my ass and he can now…..HE TOOK KARATE"

I just wanted to talk about this weekend when we hang out said cartman

Oh thank god I thought you were pissed about me and Wendy I said

Nah you got laid bro we should celebrate hell a bunch of guys are cheering said cartman

Great the whole school knows I said

Yep and rumor has it Wendy is a slut said cartman

Who cares she told me she likes sex but she is going to slow down…..after a few more night I said joking

"Cartmans face turned a weird color like he was holding in tears"

You ok man I asked

Yeah said cartman

Look I was joking I know Wendy meant a lot to you I said

Yeah well I guess I rather her and Stan be together then you and here said cartman

Whys that I asked

Because he loves her said cartman

? He does I asked

"Yeah play the stupid card works every time"

Yeah said cartman well I have to go I'm hungry BEEF CAKE

Wow cartman you never say beef cake I said

Yeah well I feel nostalgic said cartman

Uh oh just don't feed people there parents I said joking

"I and cartman laughed…..huh we laughed why I laughed at a horrible joke"

2 hours later

Weird Stan missed math midterms I guess he knew he was going to get an A anyways it's weird he rocks at geometry why is that who knows but I heard Wendy missed her midterm too OK THAT NEVER HAPPENS so I asked to be excused early sense I was done then I walked around the hall….and heard laughter

The janitors closet was locked from the outside lucky for me Craig stole the keys and I stole them back I unlocked the door and….oh shit

AHHHH screamed both Wendy and Stan

"They were naked looked like they just finished some…sex"

Oh shit I yelled

Dude look I am sorry said Stan

No no its fine I knew this day would happen…..i just didn't want to walk in on it I said

"I laughed Wendy laughed and Stans laughed…..then an audience came"

HA WENDY YOU ARE SUCH A WHORE yelled a random chick

Wow look at Wendy's boobs there big yelled a random guy

I slammed the door and yelled at the people I could hear stans and Wendy laughing they didn't give 2 shits they found each other…and I was alone again damn it

10 minute passed and Wendy and Stans went home I tagged along and we just talked

So Kyle are you ok with us being together asked Stans

Yeah I knew it wouldn't last I said

Aww well you got me for 1 night that's a plus said Wendy

Girl you are a slut I said

Yep and proud of it said Wendy

Cartmans P.O.V

Ha me locking them 2 love birds worked out now they are together and soon I will be with kahl damn my plans work good

Hey cartman so how was operation love nest asked Kenny

It worked there back together and soon kahl will be lonely again I said

Well we still need Bebe and then we need Kyle to want to be gay then we need him to like you said Kenny

It's a working proses I said

So when my date with Bebe is is asked Kenny

Patients Kenny first we need red I said

Why do we need her asked Kenny?

Cause red is one of bebes closest friends besides Wendy hell Bebe decked Lizzy in the face for mocking red I punched Lizzy's boyfriend for mocking tiffany I said

Yeah I remember tiffany was both pissed and flattered said Kenny

Yeah I did it because I found out I am a nice guy man all this shit I did was for kahl I hope he likes me soon I asked

Well I am sure he will come around this cartman is a good cartman said Kenny

Really you think so I asked

Yes Kyle will love you and I will love Bebe….till she can walk anymore said Kenny

Yeah ok I said

End of chapter

End summery

So cartmans plans are coming together will red help cartman will Kenny get with Bebe what is the deal with airline food find out soon

A/N

Man I can't stop writing is there a disease with writing cause I think I have it nonstop writing syndrome yep that's it

P.S

Short chapters ARE FUN


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 Dykes help

Rating M for sexual situations and language

Warning a moaning scene is here lol

Disclaimer I do not own South Park

Chapter 6 Dykes help

**Thursday**

I am in my room with Kenny thinking of places to take Bebe if this part of the plans works but then I thought of a very important question

Why do people assume things I asked?

Huh asked Kenny

Like with the weather people assume it's going to be sunny or assume it's going to snow or with other people when you see a girl and boy laughing why do they assume they are dating or when 2 guys or girls see each other every second of the day why do people assume they are gay I asked

Well because most people are assholes that's why I mean look at Bebe she assumes all the time with her gossip and she's a bitch said Kenny

But you like her I said

So I like bitches…plus her ass will be worth it said Kenny

Yeah I bet well hopefully my next part of the plan works I said

Ok what's that asked Kenny

OH shit I am late see you later man I said

" I ran out the door down the street past the school through the gay pride parade…..i stared for about 10 minutes till security kicked me out…..i am not allowed there anymore after I burned the rainbow flag…then I got to reds place her and tiffany were hanging out…yeah I bet"

Cartman please leave said red

Look I am sorry but I need to talk to you I said

Well I am sorry but I and tiffany are still pissed at the dyke comment said red

I am sorry about that I have been an asshole lately but now I am changing I said

Ok fine you have 5 minutes said red

Thank you I said

Nope out here if what you have to say is important then I will let you in said red

Uggh ok fine I want you to talk to Bebe for me I said

HA like why would I do that said red?

Because I have a secret I said

Well then you don't want to tell Bebe cause then the whole school will find out said red

I don't want to tell her my secret I want her to date Kenny I said

WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING HERE yelled tiffany?

Ah tiff I was just going to ask him to leave but cartman has a secret said red

Oh really tell us and we might let you in said tiffany

I can't I said

Why did you kill anyone again asked red?

Or burn anymore flags asked tiffany

You know they just finished building the synagogue I'm sure cartman destroyed it again said red

NO ITS NOT THAT IF I TOLD YOU THEN YOU WOULD MOCK ME AND THEN MY LIFE WILL BE RUINED I yelled

"The girls just stood there in shock"

Oh well what is it said red

"My face went red and I started to tear up"

Eric what's wrong asked tiffany

"I then cried"

Is it your mom asked tiffany again?

"Sniff" no I said

…..OH MY GOD ARE…..ARE YOU GAY yelled red

"I turned around"

HOLY SHIT ERIC YOU ARE yelled tiffany

YES OK BITCH I AM GAY OK NOW SENSE YOU KNOW MY LIFE IS DONE PACK IT UP IM GOING TO San Francisco I yelled

We won't tell anyone said tiffany

Huh I said

Yeah we have been there before said red

Yeah it took me 3 years to come out said tiffany

It took me 5 said red

Yeah sorry red but it was kind of obvious I said

"Red giggled"

Yeah well I tried to keep it secret but when tiff came out to me I knew I didn't have to hide and yeah we get bullied in school but we have each other so fuck the rest said red

So come in said tiffany

"I came in and the house smelled like flowers and candles"

Sorry you came at a bad time we were celebrating that were done with midterms said tiffany

Oh I understand tiffany I said

Call me tiff said tiffany

Ok tiff I am sorry for my past I was an ass I guess growing up without a dad screwed me up I said

Yeah that happens said red

So who is he asked tiffany?

Now that's an answer that might make things weird I said

Well is it Stans cause him and Wendy got back together said red

Yeah thanks to me I said

Holy shit it was you who locked them in the closet said tiffany

Yeah I said

Wow that was both creepy and sweet poor Kyle the….

"I stooped there and waited for tiff to finish the sentence then she whispered to red"

Oh well this is going to be hard said red

Yeah I know I said

Well is that why you got Wendy and Stans back together so Kyle would hang out with you more asked tiffany

No its cause if I didn't Wendy and kahl would start dating I said

Why do you mess up his name asked red?

Its part of my accent I said

Oh yeah I forgot Kyle and Wendy were "giggle" spending extra study time together said tiffany

Yeah I guess I said

You want Kyle to take your virginity asked red

"I pulled out my phone and showed them the tape"

OH SHIT yelled red

Ha ha said tiffany

So wait Kenny gay asked red

Nope BI sexual he did that for me because he's a good friend….please don't tell anyone I asked

We won't here proof said red

"Red showed me a video of her and tiff scissoring each other"

Damn I said

Red that's out special tape said tiffany

Yeah well it's pretty hot said red

Oh I am hot right now said tiffany

Hold on you 2 what about Bebe I asked

Well ok we will talk to her but what's that going to solve asked red

Kahl like her I said

So whys is that asked red

Because she was there in the hospital with him I said

Oh yeah I remember said tiffany

The near death experience said red

Yeah and well they got so close that well I said

Oh "giggle" he went into her cookie jar said red

Yeah a virginity pack I said

Well I am sure Bebe doesn't care said tiffany

No tiff she has been talking about Kyle lately she said that after him and Wendy fucked that she wanted to talk to him I guess she is jelly said red

Yeah I said

And sense Wendy and Stans got back together Kyle might go into bebes arms you might of just gave him and her the push Eric said tiffany

I know that's why we need Bebe to know Kenny is interested in her I said

Ok what will happen after I want to be in the loop said red

Ok I will text you later uh enjoy your day I said

Oh we will NOW GET OUT yelled red

"Red then tackled tiff on the couch and ripped her shirt off I left before the show started and I could hear the moaning"

FUCK ME yelled tiffany

OH YEAH SCISSOR ME SCISSOR yelled red

Damn I said goodbye

End of chapter

End summery what happened to Kyle why is the gay pride in South Park and what is going on in the room well 1 of those questions will be answered

A/N

I was going to add more but then it would drag on so I hope you liked this chapter chapter 7 will come soon


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 love is the worst

Rating M for sexual situation and language

Disclaimer I don't own South Park I just copy it for money…..wait what

Chapter 7 love is the worst

"well this is great I have 2 lesbians a guy with a parka who dies a lot and butters wow I should just walk up to kahl and say hey I love you but I digress these guys never would of helped me 5 years ago and they are now. I am happy to have friends like them but I can never tell them that because they would never let me down"

Hey Eric yelled butters

Why do you call me that only girls and adults call me that I stated?

Wendy doesn't call you that nor does Bebe said butters

Well they are bitches I said

Well who care I call you Eric and I WILL ALWAYS CALL YOU THAT yelled butters

Ok man geez so what's up I asked

We have a problem Kyle talked to Bebe on the phone he might have a date this Saturday said butters

Ah shit we need to move faster ok let's talk to big gay al and Mr. Slave they owe me one I said

Huh how will they help asked butters?

I will explain on the way I said

"We walked to the gays house and talked to them"

OH HI ERIC said big gay al

Jesus Christ said Mr. Slave

Yeah hey I need you to to talk to Bebe about Kenny I said

Huh said AL

A/N yeah I am calling him al because BIG GAY AL is a lot to type for 1 name

Yeah said butters Eric needs her to like Kenny so he can get with Kyle

DAMN IT BUTTERS THEY DON'T KNOW I AM GAY I yelled

Oh we know and we think its super said Al

Yeah I mean your mom told us and even gave me a new toy like Jesus Christ said Mr. Slave

Ewww I said

So how is talking to Bebe going to get Kenny and her together asked Butters?

It's not its going to distract her long enough for kahl to get upset and I will be there for him

Interesting said butters

"We all went over the plan AL will tell Bebe she won an all paid shopping spree to her favorite slutty store whores R us and while she is there then I will see kahl at the mall"

Saturday

Kyles P.O.V

"I am excited I finally can get Bebe as a girlfriend then maybe me and her can double date with stans and Wendy…well unless we are busy in bed man I am a perv but who cares she will be mine and nothing will change that"

Oh hey kahl said cartman

Damnit cartman what do you want I asked

What I was going to meet up with butters to hang and he cancelled something about a gay pride incident said cartman

Don't tell me you burned another parade float I asked

NO I didn't I was here the whole time so yeah what's up we are sopost to hang today said cartman

I am sorry I was planning on hanging with Bebe today I said

Oh well where she is asked cartman

I don't know she was supposed to meet me 30 minutes ago I said

Well if you want company till she shows up I am here said cartman

No I am good I said

"Cartman left and sat at the table crossed then Kenny showed up and waved I guess cartman had a backup back up plan man he thinks ahead a lot. I waited for a good 2 hours I am sure she is just running late….traffic….she ditched me"

"I hit the table and cried but then I heard a voice"

Kahl are you ok said cartman

NO I AM NOT OK MY LIFE IS RUINED I HAD A CHANCE FINALLY A CHANCE TO FIND LOVE BUT SHE FUCKING FUCKED ME OVER YEAH I AM NOT ALRIGHT SO YEAH LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE I yelled

"Cartman then hugged me what the fuck is his game why is he being nice to me I started to hit him push him off but I couldn't I just cried cried in him arms and mopped"

Am I ugly I asked?

Duh said cartman with a stupid smirk

You're an asshole cartman but you are honest I said

Dude I was fucking with you you're a good looking guy funny handsome cute said cartman

Huh cute I said

Woops wrong word I meant fucking normal you know for a Jew rat said cartman

Oh ok I said

"Cartman has been acting very weird lately now he is calling me cute holy shit is he gay? NO NO he is trying to mess with my head"

I don't know what your game cartman is but leave me alone I said

"I ran off headed to stans"

Cartmans P.O.V

Fuck Kenny it didn't work I said

Well he hates Bebe now huh said Kenny

Nope I said

Huh she stood him up said Kenny

Yeah but she has an excuse her phones missing and shopping happened I said

Yeah well he's in tears how are you going to gay up Kyle asked Kenny

I guess the girls can help I said

Yeah well I better have Fu….

Oh Kenny what are you doing here asked Bebe

"Bebe was with Wendy and stans they were holding hands"

Where you were kahl ran off in tears cause of you he told me he went to find Stans I said

Oh shit I am sorry Wendy said Stans

ITS FINE GO FIND KYLE yelled Wendy

I am such a bitch he will hate me forever said Bebe

Come on Wendy we need to find red she wanted to talk to you about something I said

"I pulled out my phone and speed text"

Eric: red operation distract Wendy is a go

Red: Ok well I and tiff just finished up in the girls room

Eric: man you 2 are horny

Red: actually tiffs on her period

Eric: oh sorry

Red: HA got ya I can barely walk after what tiff did to me

Eric: Ewww

Red: please no ones that gay

Eric: well I am HURRY UP

Where is red asked Wendy?

HEY WENDY yelled red

Oh hi what did you want to ask me said Wendy?

I wanted you to come shopping for bras I need a nice sexy one and I don't know which to buy said red

"Man girls are annoying"

Uhhhh ok but Bebe is still over there with Kenny said Wendy

Ahhh she will be fine I need to hurry tiffs going to be here soon and I want it to be a surprise said red

Ok just 1 condition said Wendy

Yeah said red

I am not trying on any bras said Wendy

Ok….i will be doing the trying ok Wink wink said red

Ha ok just don't turn me gay said Wendy

I think Stans would like a BI sexual GF said red

Nope said Wendy

"The girls left and part 2 of my 7th plan was in effect or was it my 10th plan hmm"

End of chapter

End summery

Wow Bebe didn't see Kyle what will he do and kind of bra will red buy who knows maybe in 3 hours I will type up the answer (or I could get a PM from some of you or review answering the important question" also what is part 2 of plan 7 or 10 find out

A/N

It might take me a bit to type chapter 8 because my allergies are being a bitch and I don't have any medicine I will be fine I just need some rest


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 Oh Bebe

Rating M for sexual situations and language

Disclaimer I do not own south park…if I did I wouldn't be writing this lol

Chapter 8 Oh Bebe

Cartmans P.O.V

"I am sitting here waiting for Kenny to fucking make his move also tiff is here with me we decided to go over some stuff"

So how are you doing I asked

I am doing good question where is my girlfriend asked tiffany

She is with Wendy shopping I said

Ah ok well hopefully they have fun is Stans with them asked tiffany

Nope he ran after kahl I said

Hmm I wonder how Kyles doing said tiffany

Kyles P.O.V

"I hate my life no matter what I can't get a girlfriend cause life keeps pushing me away from them I think death is a better option than life right now….no that's dumb I am young I highly doubt killing myself would solve anything"

KYLE yelled Stans

"I turned around and hugged him and cried in his arms my warm tears hit his abs"

"Sniff" have you been working out I asked

Ha yeah I have been said Stan

I could tell I said

….i can feel you said Stan

"Oh fuck me I have an erection for my best friend great"

I hate being BI sexual I said

Its fine I am flattered said Stan

KISS ME I yelled

NO said Stan

No bitch will so maybe an asshole will I said

Look bro if you're going gay then fine I know a few guys who are gay we can hook you up said Stan

Aww come on Stan he wants you said a voice

"We turned around and saw red and Wendy with shopping bags"

I am sorry Wendy I didn't mean to I said

Its fine hell I don't mine watching 2 guys experiment said Wendy

Ha no way said Stan

"Wendy then whispered something in Stan's ear and his eyes widened"

Are you serious asked Stan?

Yeah said Wendy

"her and red giggled I wonder what she said….a pair of lips hit mine it felt so warm and fuzzy it was defiantly stans mustache we used to nick name him stans the state man…..wow that feels great but if I tell stans what will he think of me oh great…the kiss is still going on his tongue is hitting mine wow it feels good I wish he was my boyfriend yep I am going for a guy next but I can't let anyone know ESPECUALLY CARTMAN"

Wow said Stan

Did you like it asked Wendy

I didn't said Stan

Aww I was that bad I said

No I am not gay said Stan

Well I loved it I said kissing Stan on the cheek

Ok remember what you promised said Stan

Ok after the mall we can head home….for your reward "wink" said Wendy

"The girls walked away laughing and giggling"

Ok what was that I asked?

I am getting some ass tonight said Stan

MAN WENDY IS A SLUT I said

Yeah but she is my slut said Stan

Are you sure I said

Yeah she said I was better then you and her first combined said Stan

Wow makes me want some I said

NO yelled Stan

I was kidding I said

So no more Bebe said Stan

Nope she stood me up I said

No she was with us all day she lost her cell phone plus big gay al gave her a 1000 dollar visa card so shop till you drop central said Stan

WHAT I yelled

What's wrong asked Stan

I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO CALL BEBE ALL DAMN DAY AND SHE FORGOT HER PHONE I yelled

Cartmans P.O.V

"I could hear the conversation between kenny and Bebe perfectly"

So I love green day what's your favorite band asked Bebe

I like emo shit like three days grace said Kenny

Ha I 2 wow we have a lot in common said Bebe

Yeah you want to catch a movie asked Kenny

Oh but Kyle said Bebe

Look he had his chance lets have fun he will understand said Kenny

Ok I will just text Wendy….oh yeah no phone DUH wow what a blonde moment oh well lets go said Bebe

"Kenny and Bebe ran off and I jumped for joy"

YES YES YES I yelled

Dude what's with the dyniel Bryan shit said tiffany

What I like wrestling sue me I said

Ha well I watch it too with red…..it helps to know wrestling in bed if you catch my drift said tiffany

Is that all you 2 do is have sex I asked

Nope only twice a month said tiffany

Oh ok I said

So do you think you can get Kyle said tiffany

For once I really think so I am nervous but I think I can get my Jew I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY I yelled out

Ha what makes you so happy about asked Wendy?

Well he just hooked Bebe up with Kenny said tiffany

WHAT Bebe and Kenny wow said Wendy?

Yeah I know said tiffany

Poor Kyle said Wendy

I know but he ran off I didn't think Bebe would come and he ignored my texts so he lost his chance I said

Is this your doing asked Wendy?

No I said

"I am a good liar"

YOUR LYING TELL ME WHATS UP yelled Wendy

Huh I said

You know what I heard you locked me and Stan in the closet and guess who answered bebes phone….YOUR MOM so tell me what the fuck is going on before I tell Kyle the truth that you are torturing him for your own enjoyment said Wendy

Ok fine but you can't tell ANYONE I yelled

OH I WILL TELL PEOPLE yelled Wendy

Wendy don't said red

Yeah said tiffany

Wait you both are in on it what's going on asked Wendy

Eric's gay and he's in love with Kyle and we have been helping him get Kyle cause Eric has really changed HE GAVE THE GAY PRIDE FOUNDATION 5000 DOLLARS said red

Wait cartman is gay and he gave money to a charity asked Wendy

And I gave to the rainforest after I burned down a quarter of it and gave some to Brest cancer awareness for you Wendy I said

How did you get this much cash asked Wendy?

My mom won the lotto last year and she didn't want to move so we stayed plus I want to change for my soul and the love of Kahl I said

…WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH CARTMAN asked Wendy

END OF CHAPTER

End summery

DUN DUN DUNNNNNN oh snap Wendy knows now will she keep the secret will Bebe and kenny be happy where is token and Nicole I thought they would show up…well yeah I guess I can add them later on in the story find out…maybe tonight maybe tomorrow I WANT TO WAIT TILL TOMARROW BUT THEN I MIGHT DIE OF ALLERGIES

A/N

Thank you serendipityrain711 for being an amazing fan….ACTUALLY THE ONLY FAN of this story I am sure others will review soon but until then keep it up GURL ;)


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9 questions answered

Rated M for sexual situations and language

Disclaimer I do not own South Park

A/N

I highly doubt this is important but I am on a new device that is low Tec so I apologize if the font looks different it was ether that or no more fucking updating ever so enjoy

Chapter 9 questions answered

"I could see wends expression that she was angry and wasn't going to keep my secret unless she was convinced"

Look Wendy I am still the asshole you remember but I have changed a lot sense last year I said

WELL WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED LAST YEAR asked Wendy

Yeah I am curious 2-said red

Yet gay origin story said tiffany

Wow I can see whom the girl is I said

Well I am sorry she is gay I bet we wouldn't know that if you cartman hadn't told the whole damn school last year…tiff red remember what the kids did to you on day 1 said Wendy

Yeah they tied red up and pounded my face said tiffany

Yeah and you and bebe fought all the girls…with selena Gomez Emma Watson and the foofa from Yo gabba gabba said red

Yeah said Wendy

But we forgave Eric because he understands the risks now said red

But he's going to try and bring poor Kyle into this said Wendy

Well if he is straight then I will give up I said

"Yeah not going to happen unless he tells me to back the hell off"

Well I know what his sexuality is and I aint telling you cause I hate you said Wendy

Ok I deserve that I said

Wow you are not cartman why are you so obsessed with being with Kyle asked Wendy

welllllll I sang

NOT IN SONG yelled everyone…including the author weird

Ok well it all started…

FLASHBACK

Wow fatass you up here camping and have only 3 boxes of food your going to starve said Kyle

Everyone laughed

SHUT UP JEW RAT BEFORE I GAS YOUR ASS I yelled

"I stormed off in a hissy fit and everyone followed I was so blinded by rage that I didn't see the ledge and I slipped almost fell a good 20 feet. I have my arms on the ledge and I knew I would die nothing could save me nothing at all and everyone just walked away"

Dumbass is as good as dead said Stan

Yeah he's a gonner said Craig

Raciest bustards going to get it now said token

"I was a dead man…then an arm reached out…it was kahls"

God damn it cartman you're an ass but you don't deserve to die GUYS HELP yelled Kyle

"Finally everyone helped and I got up…but then kahl slipped and fell hitting his head on a rock"

KYLE Stan screamed

"My mind raced that one guy who I hated saved my life at the cost of his…"

GOD DAMNIT JEW I AM COMING I yelled

"I raced down the slop checked his pulse it stopped so I gave him CPR…"lucky I learned it" and my luck Kyle lived had both his legs shattered but lived I cried…but I didn't want anyone to see me"

END OF FLASHBACK

He was in the hospital for 2 months and I didn't visit him…. except while he slept I left him 1 rose a day and after the 3rd week I kept dreaming about him and…. I knew I was gay for Kahl I said

"The girls were in tears"

That was beautiful said red

So romantic said tiffany

Damnit Eric that was sweet I wont tell you his sexuality cause I don't really know I mean I dared him to kiss Stan as a joke and Kyle loves to kid around so maybe said Wendy

"Hehe part 11 of my plan get Wendy to spill beans…and become a friend cause I think she is the kewlest girl I know"

Thanks my hope just went up to 25% I said

I still don't like you hurting Kyles feeling with bebe said Wendy

He only feel for her cause she lied about the flowers I said

True but she took his virginity…OH SHIT said Wendy

Oh we know that wink said red

And your plans for tonight you might want to by a butt pad said tiffany

"Wendy blushed then giggled"

It sounds fun said Wendy

It is I said

"Yeah I actually didn't lie to Kenny he did screw me HA GOT YOU READERS GOO HUH"

Stop breaking the 4th wall cartman said matt

Sorry said cartman

Who are you apologizing to asked Wendy and how do you know how anal feels like

Uh you for all the shit I gave you…. I always thought you were kewl but my pride got to best of me…AND HERE A VIDEO I yelled

"Wendy's eyes opened wide"

Wow I didn't expect that said Wendy

Nope I said

WENDY HEY GURL yelled bebe

Your mean said Wendy

Why asked bebe

You made Kyle cry and laid to him about the flowers said Wendy

I am sorry but I wanted him to feel better plus…I wanted to see him but he left to early but then Kenny he is an amazing listener he and I have so much in common said bebe

Well I am happy for you said Wendy

Your not going to make me talk to Kyle asked bebe

Oh your talking to him…. but you can keep Kenny said Wendy

YAY screamed bebe

END OF CHAPTER

End summery

Ok who loved that flashback cause it was so romantic will Kyle kill Kenny will red and cartman go on a non stop shopping spree and how much is Wendy's ass going to hurt…seriously I don't know the pain of sex lol

A/N

Ok back to one per day folks it's to noisy typing at night and other people live here I hope you like it and next time we resurrect another person WHO WILL IT BE


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10 awkward phone call

Rated M for sexual situations and language

Warning some use of the word FUCK is a lot in the chapter and OH GOD as well lol

Disclaimer thou dose noteh own south park

Chapter 10 awkward phone call

Kyles P.O.V

Hey butters I said

Hey Kyle how are you asked butters?

"I called butters for advice it has been tradition in South Park to come out to butters first when you're gay or BI but Stan knew first"

Not so well I said

Oh whets wrong asked butters

I am bi sexual I said

"Butters paused and was silent for a good 10 minutes I heard another voice and it pissed me off"

WHOS WITH YOU I yelled

Uh red said Kenny

HI Kyle yelled red

Hugh hi red I said

I am over butters cause tiff and me couldn't hold it in and we decided to stay the night said red

So you fucked in front of butters I said

Yep it was on our fucking list another is in front of you and Eric cartman said red

HUH I yelled

Nothing said red

Why cartman don't you hate him I asked

No me and Eric have buried the hatchet plus he has changed a lot said red

Yeah said butters

Ok look don't tell cartman ok I said

I wont said butters

BEEP

Hold on I got another call I said

Hey I am heading to bed said butters

Ok good night I said

"I clicked the phone and bebe was on the line"

I am sorry said bebe

I know about you and Kenny I said

Oh i'm a bitch said bebe

No a cunt I said

I know PLEASE FORGIVE ME yelled bebe

…..is Kenny really that good of a guy I asked

Yes me and him click more better then I thought and I am not going to let him touch me till he earns me said bebe

Did I earn you that night I asked?

Yes because you were a good friend…and only a good friend said bebe

Oh I see I said

And I didn't give you those flowers I don't know who did said bebe

I know you didn't I said

You must hate me said bebe

I don't hate you bebe I am pissed look I need to talk to Stan…maybe we can have lunch one day you Kenny maybe and me I might find someone soon I said

Id like that said bebe

"I hung up the phone and called Stans cell I could tell he butt answered it cause well"

OH GOD OH GOD yelled a voice

"That had to be Wendy"

HARDER OH FUCK ME HARDER yelled Wendy

"I held back laughter"

OW OH SHIT THAT HURT BITCH yelled Stan

"Ok that made me laugh"

OH SHIT Kyle WHAT THE FUCK yelled Stan

OH…AHHHHHHH wow that was great yelled Wendy

I'm glad you 2 had fun I said

Thanks said Stan in a sarcastic tone

I am so sorry I said

Its fine said Wendy my ass is killing me I don't think I will be able to walk for a week said Wendy

You can borrow my butt pad I said

Really thanks said Wendy

Its cool I said

Ha but you might need it soon said Stan

Nah I don't know any gays I said

Hmm said Wendy

What I asked

I know 1 but I promised I wouldn't tell said Wendy

TELL ME I begged

Ok Clyde said Wendy

Ewe I said

Yeah I agree Wendy bebe thought he was an ass and we all hate him I didn't see him as a gay guy said Stan

"Wendy giggled"

Are you sure its Clyde I asked

Yep said Wendy

Ha maybe cartman gay said Stan

Hehe I mean if he was it wouldn't be THAT BAD I said

Uh Wendy you ok and Kyle…. WHO ARE YOU asked Stan

What he has changed a bit I said

Yeah well he hasn't convinced me said Stan

True plus I would have to BE 100% gay to date sir fatass I said

Yeah said Stan

Uh yeah said Wendy

You ok I asked yeah said Wendy

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"I ran down stairs and froze when I opened the door"

Hello chap can me and my other come inside asked pip

PIP YOU DIED I screamed

Yeah well Damien and me are dating and he talked to his father about giving me a 2nd chance and I got it said pip

END OF CHAPTER

End summery

Oh shit Kyle might consider cartman EEEK I feel like a female school girl JUST CALL ME MATILENE lol and what about pip and Damien weird I wonder who the dominate one…(I place my money on pip"

A/N

I got a new follower today thank you INSERT NAME HERE I wont say your name unless you ask lol also I got clariten today so 2 CHAPTERS….PLUS THE ONE I TYPED UP NOW WOOOOOOOOO but keep reviewing each chapter cause I giggle at some of the reviews


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11 gets some butter

Rated M for sexual situations and cartman…I MEAN language

Disclaimer I don't own South Park or originality

Chapter 11 gets some butter

Cartman P.O.V

"Man its Monday and Wendy wants to fucking talk to me at 5 am before Kyle and Stan shows up why would anyone be up this early…unless she wants sex she is a slut"

Ok first off Eric I can hear you cause you talk out loud 2nd I am a slut not a whore 3rd I have news that you might want to here said Wendy

Ok what's that I asked

Kyle is enjoying your good deeds he thinks you are an option said Wendy

Oh shit yes I said

Yeah but your job aint done your going to have to win stans trust and get Kyle 100% gay plus I hear pips back your going to have to apologize to him so Damien can give you advice said wendy

Ok Stan, gay, pip got it I said

Oh and we need to go shopping cause I want to discuss girl stuff sense you are obviously a bottom bitch said Wendy

…. You just want the secret to anal recovery I asked

Uggh yes said Wendy

Well for me frozen peas help its bumpy and cold perfect I said

Really asked Wendy

I have a big ass Wendy would I lie I asked

Yes you would said Wendy

I think the reason why I was an ass was cause I didn't grow up with a father so I took my frustration out on you all I said

Yeah that explains the homosexuality said Wendy

Yeah also the fact that I am about to cry I said

That's not father issues you are in touch with your feminine side here said Wendy

"Wendy reached out for a hug and I excepted it wow I was planning on backstabbing everyone in the end but now I am happy to have people who care even if they are the lowest in the popularity bar"

Hey you 2 said Craig

They said tweak

hey sexy how's it going said wendy

were good said craig

ahh pressure AHH screamed tweek

Shh I am here said Craig

"Tweek and Craig have been gay sense gayness was discovered I swear back in elementary school we all placed bets on who would end up together and I bet on Stan and kahl and everyone else said Craig and tweek…1 week later we caught those 2 making out behind the school yay I lost and I gave them hell every day sense"

So is it true have you joined our side cartman asked Craig

"I glared at Wendy and she stuck her tongue out at me bitch told them"

Yeah I said

Ha ha Kenny was right said tweek

2 things 1 tweek didn't tweek creepy and 2 WHAT I yelled

Yeah Kenny told us to talk to you for advice said Craig

What about pip said Wendy

No we have to be nice to him or else his boyfriend will murder us said tweek

Oh wow…. tweek your different now said Wendy

"We talked for a good 2 hours when students showed up Kenny was feeding on bebe like a baby bird and Stan and kahl were comparing bra sizes…GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY MAN STAN…I better not have talked out loud again"

Attention students mmkay we have an assembly mmkay report to the uh assembly room mmkay

"We all went the assembly room where 5 guys showed up"

Hi we are here to spread the word on homosexuality and how it's ok to dress queer

Aw shit said Kyle

What's wrong I asked

THERE CRAB PEOPLE yelled Kyle

"All of the sudden the 5 took off there discuses and reveled the crab people"

CRAB PEOPLE CRAB PEOPLE WALK LIKE CRAB TALK LIKE PEOPLE

CRAB PEOPLE CRAB PEOPLE WALK LIK CRAB TALK LIKE PEOPLE

"face palm"

Wow this is retarded I said

"BAM"

"Now the army is here they brought a giant pot of boiling water and they threw the crab people in it then grabbed a giant stick of butter"

Oh boy children crab soup and I am going to make it remember cooking is like making sweet love you have to do it right or else everything goes wrong said chief

Ok screw you guys I am going home I said

Yeah me 2 yelled Kyle

YEAH everyone just got up and left

Hey you cant skip school mmkay yelled Mr. Mackey

Yeah we can cause our lives were endangered so yeah if we stay you have a law suit I said

"Mr. Mackey just let us go and called the parents"

Wow cartman that was pretty cool said Kyle

Really Kahl me kewl I said

Well uhh yeah I guess said Kyle

Sweet I said

Well you want to hang this weekend asked Kyle

Your not going to pussy out on me again I asked

No asshole said Kyle

Then ok I can hang I said

It's just us though said Kyle

"I got sweaty in many places oh shit kahl is asking me on a date"

Ok then it's a date I said

Uh ok said Kyle Saturday

Saturday I said

"Kahl left and I had time to think I have 5 days to get him to like me and I need stans blessing plus I need to find this stone to help me get all powerful…. oh wait that's my world domination plan wow I am almost done…I MIGHT SUDUCE KAHL SOON"

Ok fatass what did you do to Kyle I want answers you asshole said Stan

END OF CHAPTER

Wowzers confessions of a teenage drama queen shocker kind of ending we need a hero like mysterion will Stan kill cartman will the crab people be cooked right what happened to token and Nicole…. FIND OUT TOMARROW ha ha


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12 how to say your sorry

Rated M for LANGUAGE AND VIOLENCE

Yeah this is going to get messy

Disclaimer I don't own South Park…but I do own me HELP

Chapter 12 how to say your sorry

"Stan told me to follow him where no one could find us I knew I would have to tell him my secret or he could get violent"

Ok asshole what is your game asked Stan

I love kahl ok I said

"Stans face turned red with anger"

No your trying to ruin his life guess what I heard from token you told him about Nicole OH and he saw you lock us in the closet and he even saw you make Kyle cry said Stan

No its cause I care for him that's why I did this…

"Stans fist connected to my face my head was hurting but I needed to confront him"

Hurting me won't change my mind Stan I WILL HAVE HIM WHY CANT YOU JUST EXCEPT THAT I yelled

Lets see your track record you made Kyle eat your farts you caused him to abandon hope to the point of death YOU GAVE HIM AIDS YOU TOLD THE WHOLE SCHOOL HE WAS GAY YOU CONSTENTLY MOCK HIM FOR HIS RELIGION EVEN BLOWING UP THE PLACE HE WORSHIPS YOU WOULD OF CAUSED HIM TO DIE BECAUSE YOU'RE A SELFISH PRICK YOU ALMOST TURNED THE WORLD INTO A PLAUGE OF DARKNESS THANKS TO THE DARK LORD CUTHULU AND YOU TRIED TO EXTERMINATE THE JEWS ON A DAILY BASIS WHY THE HELL IS HE GOOD FOR YOU yelled Stan

Because I have changed I said

"A knee hit my bawls it hurt and I was on the ground"

You haven't changed you ruin so many lives YOU KILLED A BOYS PARENTS JUST CAUSE HE PISSED YOU OFF yelled Stan

He was my father too asswhip I said in a high pitch voice

"Then a foot hit my face"

Shut up I wont let you hurt Kyle anymore he actually thinks he is falling for you I know you love to fuck with him remember Jennifer Lopez oh yeah maybe she was real he agreed and BAM YOU LAUGH AT HIM or remember when wikileaks tried to give all our secrets you were going to have us all shit our selves just to punch selena Gomez said Stan

It was worth it I said

THAT'S RIGHT CARTMAN THAT'S THE ASS I KNOW THINK OF YOURSELF SO THAT YOU GET A LAUGH said Stan

"5 punches hit my face…I deserved every hit I got I would not fight back"

Oh and lets talk about some stuff that happened in middle and high school YOU rapped Crags pet stripes you cause the entire government of Mexico to change into a toleration dictatorship YOU BROGHT HITLER BACK TO LIFE TO GET AN AUTOGRAPH YOU CAUSED TIMMY TO DIE oh and remember the fun event WHEN CANADA WAR PART 2 HAPPENED yelled Stan

Actually Kenny started that 1 I said

"More kicks and punches yay my mouth tasted blood and my eyes were swollen my ribs hurt and I swear I was blacking out"

So yeah give me a reason A LEGIT REASON WHY I SHOULD BELIEVE YOU LIKE Kyle yelled Stan

ITS BECAUSE OUT OF ALL YOU GUYS HE CARES I yelled

"Stan was shocked"

I almost died remember I was hanging off a cliff and you all laughed and Kyle helped me (the concussion I probably got fixed my speech yay) he risked his life and almost died from it and I knew it was cause he was a good person so everyday I gave him a rose A TOTAL OF 157 roses 157 days he was in the hospital almost half of his freshmen year and bebe stole him from me I wanted to kill her but instead I helped right my wrongs and earned the trust of so many HELL if I don't end up with Kyle I will have friends to catch me ha me with friends so yeah if I don't deserve him then I don't I wont fight you Stan infect I AM SORRY I yelled

"I was expecting more pain but Stan broke down in tears"

I am sorry too I am the asshole said Stan

No you are a friend I said

Why I am beating the man he loves to a bloody pulp said Stan

Yeah I deserve each punch I said

Huh said Stan

Yeah I was an evil bustard I made crack babies fight for crack I hid butters so that I could eat Mexican food I tortured butters by having him get NOT ONLY GROUNDED but beaten by his father I said

Yeah I know poor butters has been scared for life thanks to you and in middle school you told hid dad butters was gay so then he tied butters to a tree and whipped him 54 times he had to be hospitalized and his dad did 2 years in jail came out his wife left him and butters saying he was a basturd child hell she abused him twice as much as his dad did…why did butters not rip your skull off asked Stan

Because he forgave me like a real friend I never knew it but butters is my best friend more then Kenny and own I would fight for him like you would fight for Kyle I am sorry but we are going on the date and I will confess my love you can help me or not I don't care warn hi I was planning on coming out next Monday a winner or loser I said

"Stan then hugged me WOW"

I am there for you man I am sorry I hurt you said Stan

Its fine it was my final test to prove I have what it takes to see Kyle I said

We need to get you to a hos,

BAM

"I felt a bullet hit me it was a rifle the blood oozed out from my chest ringing Stan screaming for me to wake up I looked and heard THAT'S FOR MY PARENTS then a hint of red hair"

I was a dead man

END OF CHAPTER

End summery

Oh shit is cartman dead

WAIT yelled cartman

What the fuck dude stop breaking the 4th wall said matt

The chapters done dude it doesn't matter said cartman

Ok fine what is it said matt

Well I don't want to die said cartman

Well its my choice said matt

Shut up madie said cartman

Really you using that joke said matt

Yeah plus she wont let me die said cartman

Shh don't mention her in my story I said

Oh why not she is our only fan here said cartman

NO WE HAVE PLENTY OF VIEWERS yelled matt

Yeah yeah said cartman

Well anyway next time will cartman die will Stan go to jail or maybe even hunt down the killer?

No he got arrested yelled cartman

OH MY GOD YOU SPOILED IT yelled matt

Ha ha you're an ass said cartman

Man your lucky its evil cartman who is playing your role said matt

You are so sweet for bringing me back said evil cartman

Ok end of summery

A/N

Ha that was a weird one to write and if you don't know already my name is matt and I wrote this chapter to basically rap up some lose ends we will go back to token we will have 2 more chapters cause we have the epilogue to do and I WILL RULE YOUR PUNY LITTLE WORLD MUHAHAHAHAHAAHHHA oh and thanks again for the reviews…even though its 1 person lol YOUR SPECIAL IN YOU OWN CREEPY WAY

p.s I am sorry


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13 friends are everything

Rated M for language and sexual situation

Disclaimer yeah you know

Chapter 13 friends are everything

"I woke up from a nightmare them stupid aquarium guys telling me that a sea lion could talk and the he lives on mars yeah last time we believed them we killed an innocent Orcas. I turned around and there were get well balloons and…3 roses I called the nurse and asked what happened she explained that I had been in a coma for 3 days and that according to there weird ass rules I will have to stay here for awhile"

So 3 days I asked

Yes said the nurse

Wait 3 days I repeated

Yes said the nurse

3 DAYS I screamed

…3 roses said a voice

"I turned and saw…Kyle brofloski"

What are you doing here I asked

You weren't going to make our date so I decided to do what you did and give you my love said Kyle

You love me I asked

Well not the old you he can burn in hell but the new you yeah I guess I can love him said Kyle

Ha yeah I said

But there will be ground rules said Kyle

Ok what I asked

1 don't change anymore I like nice cartman but if you keep it up you will go full on pussy and I like toughness in bed said Kyle

Well I am sorry but I am trying to change I said

I know but you can at least be a hard ass again said Kyle

Ha shut up Jew I said

That's the cartman I love said Kyle

Ok any more rules I asked

Yeah I don't take it I am sorry maybe we can swap in the future but I give not take said Kyle

Well well well all this sex talk makes me in the mood you want to join me over here I said

Nah we don't want to creep out our guests said Kyle

Huh people came to visit I asked

"Then came in red tiff Stan Wendy bebe Kenny and butter all wanting me to get well soon I cried I never knew anyone cared about me"

You ok asked red

Yeah we were scared when we heard that damn psychopaths shot you said tiffany

Yeah they said they caught him at the local bar gloating ha he actually told a drunken cop what he did said Wendy

Yeah well I was nervous and Kenny wanted me to come said bebe

Not before me said Kenny

"Bebe slapped him it was funny"

Hey I am sorry most of the damage was from me if I didn't kick your ass you wouldn't of passed out with a concussion slipping you into a coma said Stan

Guy I am fine I am sore but fine damn you guys worry too much I said

Well looks Eric you have friends now stop worrying said Kyle

WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME ERIC I yelled

Because stupid that's your name I mean god damn we called you cartman cause we hated you but sense your our friend we will call you by your name not the last name of your whore of a mother said butter

Weak bro weak I said

Weird how much you speech has changed said Wendy

Yeah I know I said

So how long are you in for asked Kyle?

3 weeks I said

Well then I best buy 21 roses said Kyle

Ha well I highly doubt things will last I said

Maybe this will help said Kyle

"Kyles lips connected with mine he was a lot smoother then I thought I guess he does wax his lips like the rumors said"

That's what I call a kiss said Kyle

"I blushed and the girls awed and Stan and Kenny cringed ha I guess there not used to the 2 friends being gay"

Kyles P.O.V

"I never would of guessed that I would kiss cartman the same guy who told the school we were a couple in 4th grade so that Nicole and token would end up together irony that they would be expecting a child in 6 months poor token I heard his parent are going to cut him off from there money what a bunch of assholes my parents excepted me being gay but tokens parents become grandparents OH SHIT THAT'S INHUMAN god damn this world. I walked home with Stan and we talked"

Hey said Stan

Yeah I asked

You and Eric ha weird said Stan

Jealous much I said

Mostly angry you know he tricked us said Stan

Oh ok let's see the facts he forced you to sleep with Wendy in the closet I assume I asked

No but he used our weakness to his advantage said Stan

Ah yes being locked in a room with a hot piece of ass is very tempting but did you think maybe to say hey Wendy lets not have sex I know we still have feelings but Kyle loves you now I will always love you but he comes first I said

Its not that simple said Stan

Yeah cause Eric's good like that also with bebe she was a lying bitch I liked her but then Kenny took her I bet that was erics plan too I said

Yep Kenny told me him and Eric planned the whole thing said Stan

Ah yes but Kenny could of said no he could of told Eric to fuck off I would of but I guess bebe has some spell on him currently I said

Well you know Kenny said Stan

And I know you look I am not mad at either of you hell I am happy for you both you and Wendy are going to last forever I said

Huh we didn't even last to high school said Stan

Ok look at it this way she broke up with you cause you paid more attention to me and not her am I right I said

Yes-said Stan

Why did you pay more attention to me that day I asked?

Because Eric told everyone that you were a faggot and you weren't coming out of your room forever said Stan

Ok so Eric did that Wendy was pissed and lashed out let's say Eric didn't do that what would of happened I asked

I would of made it to my date maybe even got laid for the first time said Stan

Exactly now that Eric is nice he got you both back together cause deep down he knew he fucked up YES he wanted me to himself but now he sees the good he did he feels a lot better I said

Well if you put it that way then yeah that's pretty cool of him said Stan

I believe the reason why so much shit happened in the town was because that Eric and me hated each other's guts HELL WE WENT TO WAR WITH HIM AND NEARLY TORE THE TOWN APART I yelled

Yeah Dag was a crazy guy said Stan

Hey Stan said Dag

Hey Dag said Stan

Hey Kyle said Annie

Hey Annie how's it going gurl I said

Look just cause you gay don't mean you can be a girl said Annie

" The couple left and me and Stan walked home looking forward to the future hopefully it doesn't get any worse"

END OF CHAPTER

Wow Eric and Kyle sitting in a tree kissOMG lol I hade to make that joke its one of my favorite lines from the girls anyway what will happen will there be peace in south park will Douchebag get a bigger line who knows next chapter is the epilogue and HURRAY FOR KYMAN "rolls eyes"

A/N

Before I start I want to thank serendipityrain711 for not only reviewing but inspiring me to make this fic and as a reward you get a tiny cameo in the epilogue not lines just a mention trust me you will like it and thank you for all the views you all gave I know I am not the best story maker and you all probably read better but each view is good but a review is better but I digress later is the finalie I am not a kyman fan but this was probably my favorite story to write


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14 love is funny

Rating M for language and sex talk

Disclaimer I don't own South Park

Chapter 14 love is fun

"So 1 year has passed sense that fateful day in the hospital and I am in love and we have shown our love at least 6 times Stan and Wendy are strong as ever hell maybe a little too strong they had a close call last week so they toned down on the sex Kenny and bebe though go at it like rabbits my god they are the horniest bunch of teens I ever seen EVER man if it wasn't for the fact that Kenny found a super safe way to not have sex I swear they would have 5 kids already red and tiff are not any better with the sex ha me and Kyle were over her house and we had a 4 way they fucked by us and we by them I never got to screw Kyle yet but we agreed on my birthday I get 1 hurray I AM NOT GOING TO BE GENTLE EITHER ha ha now butters has a lo9ng distance girl friend I think her names Lana she is Canadian FUCKING CANADIAN damn I thought his sister was weird for dating ike but an fucking Canadian chick who likes them uggh but I digress I was on my way to kyles he said he was doing something important when all of the sudden I saw token the only guy I never buried the hatchet for"

Hey token I said

Oh uh hey cartman said token

Call me Eric I said

Ok Eric I want to thank you said token

Huh but I ruined you life I said

No you did you saved another life said token

Huh how I asked

When you told me about Nicole I was mad because she didn't tell me I ran to her and yelled we argued but then we talked I held her in my arms and we decided to keep the baby and now little dejon is a healthy baby and you know what would of happened she told me she was going to the abortion clinic said token

Ok first dejon wow blackest name ever I said

Racist basturd said token

Not really but also I didn't think that me telling you would help I did it for me I said

Well it worked out for both of use you turned gay and I became a father hey you and Kyle want to hang with us see the baby and maybe try some Nicole cooking said token

Sounds fun I might take you up on that offer I said

"I continued to walk I hit my ipod and linkin park played in the end ha I love this song imp singing down the street people are staring then I start singing I am in love and then dancing in the rain people thought I was insane I ignored them and continued to dance and I yelled in the air I AM GAY FOR Kyle BROFLOSKI AND MY ANNAVERSERY IS TODAY WOOOOO"

CONGRATES yelled skeeter

Cool now shut up yelled some random guy

Is he secretly man bear pig yelled al gore?

"He sucked fighting when we were in zaron uggh"

"Then I saw Stan and he wanted to chit chat"

Hey man did you hear about bebe said Stan

What I asked

She pregnant said Stan

Oh shit I said

Yeah it sucks but Kenny is jumping for joy for some reason saying that has going to be a father and that he had a plan bebe aint happy she wanted to go to college said Stan

Ha that's 1 plus on being gay no accidents I said

Cool for you oh and here 50 bucks happy anniversary remember Eric Kyle gets half of that said Stan

Awe thanks bro I said

'I gave him a kiss on the cheek"

Come on bro that's fucking gay said Stan

Ha ha I said

"I continued down the street passed big gay al and Mr. slave who gave a big I'm super and JESUS CHRIST then I saw the house kyles I knew I was there to study but I was kind of hoping to fool around a bit I opened the door and…I heard music hmmm it was romantic"

Kyle I yelled

"I went up stairs and opened the door to…a naked Kyle"

Happy anniversary Eric said Kenny

I though we would wait I said

Nahh I want you in me now said Kyle

WAIT REALLY I yelled

Yes shh I don't wont the whole neighbor hood hearing said Kyle

A/N

Ha no lemon the following has been abridged cause I am tired of writing gay porn so yeah this story 100% CLEAN sorry girls

"Time passed and that was the best sex I had ever had in fact I felt bad Kyle was sore probably pounding his ass took a lot out of him so we just cuddled and talked"

So did you hear about butters I said?

No what asked Kyle?

Next week were off so has going to Canada to visit his girl I said

You think he will get some asked Kyle

Probably I don't know he said he wont if she doesn't want to I said

Yeah I also heard about bebe also Stan is surprising Wendy with a necklace said Kyle

Jewelry a girl's best friend I said

Yep said Kyle oh red want us over for dinner so yeah get dress

Well how about we hit the shower…. together I said

Ok sounds fun "wink" said Kyle

"We made out in the shower and stroked each other then we got dressed and headed to reds house…and I just looked at Kyle all night and thought to myself

HE IS MY JEW AND NO ONE WILL TAKE HIM FROM ME CAUSE I WIN

THE END

A**/N**

**IM SORRY FOR THE SHORT ENDING BUT U DIDN'T WANT IT TO DRAG**

**Now I had an idea for an alternate ending so if you want it I will send you it via PM but its not much just a HUGE PLOT TWIST but I didn't add it cause it's a cop out and people would get mad and cry and probably tear my house down trying to murder me BRING IT ON but I digress I will probably take a week off and read some fics I hope to find some straight south park fics and if you guys know of any you can PM or not who cares well I hope you enjoyed this and remember**

**KYLES MOMS A BITCH SHE SUCH A DIRTY BITCH**

**HEY**


End file.
